The Stingy Guy's Guide to House Parties

By Ed Reynolds | Tuesday 24th October, 2017

In brief, the definition of a British house party is a gathering of potentially (quite often not) like-minded young people who may or may not have ever met, drinking copious amounts of alcohol until they either throw up, do something really stupid or sit till 6am putting the world to rights with a complete stranger they now refer to as babe/ hun/ mate.

They are favoured over a traditional night out not just because you can literally do whatever the fuck you want in your own home, but because, on the whole, they’re a lot cheaper. That being said, if you factor in your own drinks, an outfit, taxis and the rest, you'll find that you’re almost as out of pocket as you would have been heading out on the town.


But this is no good. We cannot let capitalism destroy our youth... So here are the stingy guys tips on coming home from a house party without having gone into the minus.

Firstly, never play host. It might sound logical to invite all your mates to your house so that you don’t have to pay for anything but wake up and smell the Sambuca guys. You have to supply more booze for all the people who conveniently forgot to buy anything, snacks to soak up the booze from the ones who drank too fast and all the cleaning materials for the next morning to get the smell of beer and vomit out your sofa and carpet.


So now you’ve shirked your responsibilities as host (welldone by the way), you have to accept your house party invites selectively. Only RSVP to the ones that are within walking distance and never attend any that require you to travel for longer than 40 minutes. You might have that hopeful idea that after the party you’ll get a night bus home, or walk that hour long trek, but truth be told, once you can’t walk in a straight line you’ll be flying home in a taxi, head out the window.

And I know the invite said BYOB, but that’s an acronym you don’t need in your life. Everyone always takes more than they intend to drink at a house party so just let everyone know you literally forgot to go to the shop and you honestly thought there would be a shop open nearby on your way. Then, head to the fridge and take your pick from the selection of delightfully frosty tins. Scope out the most drunk people in the room and become best friends because they will, without a doubt, offer you the rest of their bottle of wine when they’re so drunk they’re about to fall asleep.


Snacks at house parties aren’t really a thing anymore unless you’re going to a really adult wine and cheese party, which in that case, your maturity has sort of surpassed the need to be stingy. So if you haven’t already eaten before you arrive, and eating is advisable by the way because kebabs cost money you know… then once the kitchen has cleared of people, have a little nose in the cupboards and see what potential nibbles lie before you. Bread, crisps and anything else carb based are the ones you’re looking for.

There will be some individuals who didn’t heed the above advice and after a few drinks, have begun throwing up. As the toilet is almost always in use by a group of girls gossiping about someone’s ex who just walked in, those who need to throw up either head to the garden or literally just let it all out wherever they are standing. Avoid these people like the plague. They will either throw up all over you or you will somehow be guilted by your own moral compass to order a taxi and pay for them to get home. This will not do.


Finally, the best thing about a houseparty is the surplus of alcohol at the end left by all those over eager lightweights who have already left in the taxis. So before you go, do a turn around the house picking up anything you can take home- oops, that’s my gin, best not forget that, oh dear is that my wine, I was looking for that all evening.