It’s around 11pm on a night of the week that house parties probably shouldn’t be held on. You’re standing in the middle of a dark room with lots of loud, drunk people and empty beer cans. You’re in a conversation with two people you just met about which items it’s ok to buy from Tesco’s everyday value range. The conversation arose because one of the two people you are speaking to has everyday value vodka and it turns out the second of the two profoundly disagrees with the drink’s existence. Meanwhile, there’s so many doritos trodden into the floor that you don’t know where to stand and the music’s so loud you begin to wonder how it’s gotten this late without neighbours complaining. The doorbell rings.
You’re the only person in the immediate vicinity compos mentis enough to go and answer it (standard protocol being that it’s okay to answer the door at someone else’s house if you’re letting other guests into the house party- that being the way you got in in the first place). You open the door. It’s not a guest; it’s an angry middle-aged man in his pyjamas, demanding to see one of the house’s five tenants. He reels off five names, none of which you recognise. You kindly respond by saying that those are not the names of the people who live in the flat (that vodka you just had helps you keep calm and collected) to which the man tells you to stop fucking him around and storms past you into the abyss. Then it hits you: you’re at the wrong house party.
You don’t quite know what to do. How the hell did you end up at the wrong party? What should you do now? And- wait a minute- why has it taken you this long to realise that you’re not at the right one? Perplexing. Now you start to think about it, there must have been more signs throughout the night that, if you were paying more attention, would have made you realise you’re not at the house party you originally set out to go to. So let’s look back at some of the signs you might have missed.
Someone asked you how you know Harry
You said you don’t, but you know Sarah, whose house it is. That someone then said they don’t know Sarah. The conversation pretty much ended there, with a beer-soaked ping pong ball flying past your face.
Two people were making weird faces at you from across the room
You assumed that was in response to you opening the door to the bathroom, where the party’s no.1 drunkest person is asleep with their head on their arms folded over the toilet. But now, come to think of it, the same two were looking at you with a similar expression when you were smoking in the garden.
Everyone looks like a version of someone you already know
I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the more each new person I meet looks like a version of somebody I already know. Oh look there’s Naz! Oh wait. No it’s not… etc. If literally everyone at the party looks like someone you know, and no one is actually anyone you do know, it could be a sure sign you’ve got the wrong house.
You overheard someone say something to suggest they go to your city’s other university
When was the last time you hung out with someone from your city’s other university? Exactly. Oil and water don’t mix. Students from your city’s other university don’t just happen to be friends with people from your university- if one person is from the other university, everybody is from that university.
You got asked to take the group photo
Who even takes group photos at parties? Anyway, you got asked to take one, and you were happy to at the time. But you didn’t realise that this meant you’re weren’t an essential part of the group. Anyway. Where has that Sarah gotten to?